Spirit's Story For The Week, "Be careful what you grow."
Every day, I ask myself the same question: What am I growing in my relationships?
In the beginning of my marriage, I was very insecure.
Like the kind of insecure that you don't want to talk about.
The ugly kind.
The kind that makes you question your own sanity on a daily basis.
My jealousy was simply out of control.
I compared myself to every other woman on the planet.
And, god freaking forbid if my husband even looked at another female in my presence.
My perceptions of what was happening right before my eyes was DEEPLY skewed because of years of abuse and my struggle with anorexia.
So, it didn't matter if my husband just glanced at an attractive woman...my mind instantly went to this false reality where I just KNEW he would cheat on me.
Why? Well, I had never not been cheated on.
I had never had a man want to 'stay' with me.
I had never had a man not lie to me.
I had never had someone just fucking love me for me- and not my body.
And, if they did? I wouldn't believe them anyway!
I was famous for driving men away. I had to always be the one to run first.
Until, my husband.
Those first two years of our marriage sucked. Yep.
I pointed out everything he was doing wrong.
In some twisted way, this was how I protected myself if he ever did decide to leave.
I could say, 'well, that's because he did this, or that.'
Staying constantly angry and hyper focused on what was NOT going well almost ended our marriage even before it began.
Not that my husband was perfect. He wasn’t- as we all have our own “stuff”.
We were both wounded in different ways. His way of dealing with something was by not dealing with it. Facing issues was not comfortable. The weather was. When things got bad, we talked about the weather.
Still (back then), I was chronically pissed at men.
At myself.
At the world.
Yes, the sexual abuse, rape, and domestic violence didn't help--but I took things to the extreme.
I am still surprised my new husband didn't just pack up in those first few months and run far, far away.
ALL the energy I put into our relationship (at first) was negative.
I had zero trust in anyone, but my children.
In fact, I think I only began to REALLY trust my husband this year. Yes, over a decade later! Sounds awful to say that, but it's my truth.
I'm owning this. I think it's difficult to trust if you feel emotionally unsafe all the time.
Thing is, no one can make you feel safe but YOU.
I didn't understand this for years, though, and all of my relationships suffered.
So even though my husband didn't hurt me, he didn't always stand up for me either.
This felt like the worst kind of betrayal.
I would scream, "I need just one man to protect me in my life!"
Sadly, my old habit of retreating into spiked armor didn't break until my husband finally DID stand up for me.
Through LOTS AND LOTS of Shamanic healing, I realized the problem I had with trust wasn't my husband's fault.
It was about me--and how my past experiences were cancelling out every GOOD thing in our relationship.
I was the one 'growing' all the wrong stuff.
I was growing the past. Over and over.
I didn't nurture us.
Always assuming the worst before it even happened hardened the dirt beneath our feet.
I was growing resentment instead of trust.
Anger instead of openness.
Pain instead of love.
Fear instead of safety.
If I wanted trust to grow, I had to pay attention to what I DID trust about my husband. About all the people in my life.
I knew I had to grow a different kind of love.
I had to pour my energy into what was GREAT about my husband. I had to focus on what he was doing right! Which was a LOT.
I had to remember what made me fall in love with him in the first place.
I was so caught up in how he "might" hurt me that I stopped seeing all the genuine beauty in him.
In us.
The more I focused on what I loved about him, the more our healthy LOVE GREW.
We grew.
I spent years staying stagnant in fear because some guy kicked my ass 25 years ago.
It's not my husband's job to make me feel secure.
Or, loved.
Or, even happy.
It's not his job to heal me.
It's mine.
And, I've chosen to grow that.
Eric & Sarah's Wedding Day 9/7/07
Eric & Sarah Norwood's Vowel Renewal On 10 year Anniversary
Eric & Sarah Norwood's 11 Year Wedding Anniversary
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