To My 19 Year Old Self

To My 19 year Old Self

1. You will not always feel this way. Damaged. Hollow. Haunted. And, sad. So very sad.
2. The days of picking cigarette butts out of your hair and tossing them into a toilet full of vomit will be a distant memory.
3. You will heal from the humiliating blows to your stomach and the beer he poured over your head right before the ash tray. It will be unfathomable one day.
4. You will heal from the years of physical, sexual and mental abuse and see it as a horror movie you once starred in long, long ago. You WILL heal. From. It. All.
5. You will be called horrible names. A crazy bitch, a liar, a whore and so much worse. But, it will NOT break you.
6. You will leave your teenage boyfriend and go off to college and meet another. And, another. And, another.
7. You will be raped in college by your brother’s fraternity brother. No one will believe you.
8. You will leave that college after trying to kill yourself.
9. Your father will take you to a Psychologist who, it turns out, is a powerful Shaman. This Shaman will become your second father.  And, your life will forever change.
10. You will be lost over and over and over again, but you will survive. Survive on lots of Marlboro Lights and Long Island Ice Teas, but survive--you will.
11. You will enter into another abusive relationship in your early twenties.
12. You will realize that you were just as broken as all the lovers you attracted. You were both wounded. Both begging for love and acceptance that you hadn’t found within yet.
13. You will begin to take full responsibility for your life and happiness and blame NO ONE.
14. You will have two children all the while getting your Bachelor’s in English/Psychology.
15. Your beautiful baby girl and baby boy will forever change your life. They will save it. They will love you when you cannot love yourself. They will speak for you when you cannot find your voice.
16. You will divorce your first husband and learn that even deep, maddening love isn't always enough.
17. You will discover yourself in the years that you are a single Mom. Ten long happy and sad years where you allow your body and mind to really, really heal. It was oh so tired.
18. You will begin to heal while watching Teletubbies and Elmo with your kids. Slowly. Painfully. Angrily. But, heal. You will. Not by cursing the people that hurt you, but by loving the hurt parts. For you, oh dear one, will have hurt them too.
19. You will meet a man when you are 33 years old in a hallway on your first day of work in Colorado. Oh yeah, you will leave everthing you knew in Massachusetts and be fucking BRAVE ENOUGH to move across the country to start a new life with your children.
20. This blue eyed man will be GENTLE. Patient. Persistent. Strong as hell. And, loving. So loving towards you. You will be scared shitless.
21. This man will accept your children as his very own blood.
22. You will get cervical cancer and have a hysterectomy, leaving you unable to have another child. It will be OK. This will be your path...and the man that loves you, will not care.
23. You will alter your appearance in search for love. Those double D's will cause a decade of sickness and the wrong kind of attention, but you will survive. Don't worry. You will get those suckers out before your 45th birthday.
24. You will leave your career as an Executive Assistant in the Corporate world and become a Reiki Master. Eventually, you will become a successful Shamanic Reiki energy healer and work with people all over the world.  
25. You will be paid your worth. You will work in your pj’s and love every minute of it.
26. Your life will be comfortable, warm and supportive.
27. You will live in your dream house in the mountains of Colorado.
28. You will laugh A LOT. You will cry A LOT. You will scream A LOT. And, you will dance through all of it with a growing powerful light inside of you. You will recognize your strength and resilience more and more by the time you are 44 years old.
29. Your children will grow up saying they had the “best childhoods”. You will be VERY close with your kids. But, you won’t be able to save them from their own pain. Just as no one could save you from yours. This will be HARD.
30. You will learn how to let go.
31. You will be grateful for EVERY moment of your life. Every breath. Every person that held your hand along the way. Every friend. Every enemy that forced you to look inside.
32. You will have SO many animals. You will love them all.
33. By the time you are in your forties, you will finally love your body. Fully. Every inch of it. Your anorexic days will be long over.
34. You will forgive. You will forgive them ALL. You will appreciate that they were your GREATEST teachers. You will release the poison in your chest and transmute it into love.
35. You will survive. You will thrive. You will learn to love your darkness as much as your light.

So, hold on. Stay alive. You will want to meet your amazing husband and children one day.  Your son and daughter will be survivors like you and make you proud. You will want to live THIS exact life. You will have NO regrets. You can’t see it now, but an incredible life is there. Just beyond the horizon. Welcome it. Embrace the uncertainty of it All. It will be worth it in the end, my friend.

SMH Valentine's Day Specials Newsletter!

Shamanic Mountain Healing's Newsletter "Got Energy?" A FREE monthly Newsletter about EVERYTHING energy! Shamanic Healing, Reiki, Chakra Balancing, Aura Repair, Soul Retrieval, Past Life Regression, Spirit Guides, Power Animals, Spirit Stories/Messages & More!  Why not give the gift of healing this Valentine's Day? Energy Healing helps to open our heart chakras so that we can experience more expansive LOVE in our lives. <3 Here are this week's Valentine's Day Specials: $10 off 60 Min. Distance Energy Healing Session $15 off 75 Min. Distance Energy Healing Session $10 of 30 Min. Distance Chakra Balancing Session To learn more about "What to Expect" from Shamanic Mountain Healing'sSessions, please CLICK HERE! Not sure what Energy Healing is? CLICK HERE!                            100 Ways to Raise Your Vibration! Ever heard the expression, "your vibe attracts your tribe"? Tis' very true indeed! Your life mirrors your exact energetic frequency. In fact, your energy is like an instant MapQuest to absolutely everything- good and bad- in your life. Your friends, your love life, your job, your money, etc., were all manifested out of your very own vibration. Essentially, you are one big magnet! Raising your vibration is necessary for a whole and happy life. What effects your energetic vibration? Pretty much everything!! Everything carries energy. Your thoughts, feelings, what you eat, what you watch, how well you take care of yourself...all of it matters!  Depleting your energetic frequency can be quite dangerous as 'like attracts like'. This means that even if you want abundance in your life, if you are only creating lower vibrational energy, you won't be able to attract it! Your energy field signals the Universe to give you more of whatever you are 'vibing'. And, then your life reflects this in each and every way. The great news is that YOU have the POWER to shift your energy all of the time! And, it doesn't take much. Here are 100 ways to raise your vibration: 1.) Drink plenty of water 2.) Get plenty of sunlight 3.) Laugh...a lot 4.) Do some form of meditation 5.) Practice grounding techniques 6.) Go outside for 30 minutes 7.) Speak kindly to yourself 8.) Think happy thoughts- everything you think/say/feel becomes your reality 9.) Allow yourself to feel whatever comes up (without analyzing) 10.) Move your body to get your blood pumping 11.) Cleanse your body (or home) with white sage/incense 12.) Use Essential oils- specifically lavender or citrus oils 13.) Cleanse your energy with a singing bowl (tonal frequencies instantly shift energy) 14.) Listen to relaxing music 15.) Take Epson salt baths 16.) Swim, shower or float in water 17.) Eat dark leafy greens 18.) Sleep more 19.) Smile often 20.) Be YOU- express yourself 21.) Make love 22.) Open your chakras daily  23.) Zip up the bubble of energy around you (strengthen your aura) 24.) Have sincere gratitude/appreciation for everything already in your life 25.) Forgive those that hurt you 26.) Walk barefoot 27.) Take deep breaths 28.) Create healthy boundaries 29.) Stay away from toxic or negative people 30.) Pet an animal 31.) Hug someone for more than 20 seconds 32.) Camp, hike or be in nature often 33.) Technology detox- stay off social media and all electronic devices 34.) Read 35.) Journal 36.) Create a vision board 37.) Eat organic, fresh, wholesome foods 38.) Accept yourself for who you are 39.) Watch a sunrise or sunset- look at something beautiful and appreciate it 40.) Practice kindness- giving to someone less fortunate 41.) Dance 42.) Sing/Chant 43.) Play often 44.) Draw, paint, sculpt or create art of some kind 45.) Connect and talk with supportive people 46.) Get body work- Reflexology, Massage, Accupuncture, etc. 47.) Get energy healing- Reiki, Shamanic healing, Healing Touch, etc. 48.) Practice Mindfulness 49.) Spend time with children who are 'in the moment' 50.) Practice self-care daily 51.) Let go of things you cannot control (which is everything, but YOU!) 52.) Use crystals and stones to cleanse your energy (The Crystal Bible is a helpful resource) 53.) Practice mindful cooking, baking and eating 54.) Say positive affirmations and mantras 55.) Watch uplifting programs, shows and movies 56.) Have an awareness of your own energy field so that you do not tap into other people's energies 57.) Use salt lamps in heavily used spaces in your home to lighten the energy 58.) Hold hands with someone you love 59.) Drink herbal teas 60.) Share your life story- it's yours and ALL of it is important 61.) Trust and believe in yourself 62.) Pause and breathe before you react 63.) Stretch 64.) Get plenty of vitamin D3 65.) Be aware of chemicals in products that you use on your skin 66.) Don't smoke...at all. 67.) Pray or connect with your higher power 68.) Garden- get your hands dirty 69.) Do a hobby you enjoy 70.) Volunteer 71.) Clean out clutter in your home/office 72.) Say NO (without apology) to anything that depletes your energy 72.) Compliment and praise others 73.) Create a sacred space in your home where you can feel peaceful 74.) Find an exercise you enjoy and do it at least 3 times a week 75.) Connect with your Soul's energy by doing what you LOVE 76.) Listen to your intuition--your inner voice 76.) Practice acts of self-love EVERY day 77.) Take 100% responsibility for everything in your life- don't blame people or circumstances 78.) Love yourself MORE than the desire to argue 79.) Be honest- be authentic at all times 80.) Trust you are ALWAYS on the path for your highest good 81.) Embrace your uniqueness 82.) Be gentle and patient with yourself 84.) Avoid gossip and drama 85.) Walk through your fears, one step at a time 86.) Love yourself 'through' whatever is happening in your life instead of resisting it 87.) Surround yourself with uplifting, positive people 88.) Slow down, breathe, pay attention- don't rush through your life! 89.) Empower yourself by doing activities that build your confidence & self-esteem 90.) Visualize your dream life, perfect health and anything else you desire 91.) Set positive intentions for your day 92.) Send love to someone you are having difficulty with in your life 93.) Ask for forgiveness 94.) Be mindful of the words you use to describe yourself and your life 95.) Bring fresh flowers into your home 96.) Jump up and down for five minutes 97.) Practice Yoga (or something similiar) to connect your mind and body 98.) Practice Color Therapy- looking at specific colors can raise your vibration! 99.) Let go of guilt and shame- negatively impacts our energy fields the most 100.) Know that life is happening FOR you, WITH YOU, not against you! Shamanic Mountain Healing's Social Life  Yes, not only is Shamanic Mountain Healing on Twitter, Facebook andYouTube, it now has a Blog! Social media is a beautiful way to connect with people, share Spirit stories/messages, talk about energy, chakras, Shamanic healing and how to live  your DREAM LIFE. Check out SMH's Blog here today! Shamanic Mountain Healing's Blog!

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100 Ways to Raise Your Vibration!

Ever heard the expression, "your vibe attracts your tribe"? Tis' very true indeed! Your life mirrors your exact energetic frequency. In fact, your energy is like an instant MapQuest to absolutely everything- good and bad- in your life. Your friends, your love life, your job, your money, etc., were all manifested out of your very own vibration. Essentially, you are one big magnet!

Raising your vibration is necessary for a whole and happy life.

What effects your energetic vibration? Pretty much everything!! Everything carries energy. Your thoughts, feelings, what you eat, what you watch, how well you take care of yourself...all of it matters! 

Depleting your energetic frequency can be quite dangerous as 'like attracts like'.
This means that even if you want abundance in your life, if you are only creating lower vibrational energy, you won't be able to attract it!

Your energy field signals the Universe to give you more of whatever you are 'vibing'. And, then your life reflects this in each and every way.

The great news is that YOU have the POWER to shift your energy all of the time! And, it doesn't take much.

Here are 100 ways to raise your vibration:

1.) Drink plenty of water
2.) Get plenty of sunlight
3.) Laugh...a lot
4.) Do some form of meditation
5.) Practice grounding techniques
6.) Go outside for 30 minutes
7.) Speak kindly to yourself
8.) Think happy thoughts- everything you think/say/feel becomes your reality
9.) Allow yourself to feel whatever comes up (without analyzing)
10.) Move your body to get your blood pumping
11.) Cleanse your body (or home) with white sage/incense
12.) Use Essential oils- specifically lavender or citrus oils
13.) Cleanse your energy with a singing bowl (tonal frequencies instantly shift energy)
14.) Listen to relaxing music
15.) Take Epson salt baths
16.) Swim, shower or float in water
17.) Eat dark leafy greens
18.) Sleep more
19.) Smile often
20.) Be YOU- express yourself
21.) Make love
22.) Open your chakras daily 
23.) Zip up the bubble of energy around you (strengthen your aura)
24.) Have sincere gratitude/appreciation for everything already in your life
25.) Forgive those that hurt you
26.) Walk barefoot
27.) Take deep breaths
28.) Create healthy boundaries
29.) Stay away from toxic or negative people
30.) Pet an animal
31.) Hug someone for more than 20 seconds
32.) Camp, hike or be in nature often
33.) Technology detox- stay off social media and all electronic devices
34.) Read
35.) Journal
36.) Create a vision board
37.) Eat organic, fresh, wholesome foods
38.) Accept yourself for who you are
39.) Watch a sunrise or sunset- look at something beautiful and appreciate it
40.) Practice kindness- giving to someone less fortunate
41.) Dance
42.) Sing/Chant
43.) Play often
44.) Draw, paint, sculpt or create art of some kind
45.) Connect and talk with supportive people
46.) Get body work- Reflexology, Massage, Accupuncture, etc.
47.) Get energy healing- Reiki, Shamanic healing, Healing Touch, etc.
48.) Practice Mindfulness
49.) Spend time with children who are 'in the moment'
50.) Practice self-care daily
51.) Let go of things you cannot control (which is everything, but YOU!)
52.) Use crystals and stones to cleanse your energy (The Crystal Bible is a helpful resource)
53.) Practice mindful cooking, baking and eating
54.) Say positive affirmations and mantras
55.) Watch uplifting programs, shows and movies
56.) Have an awareness of your own energy field so that you do not tap into other people's energies
57.) Use salt lamps in heavily used spaces in your home to lighten the energy
58.) Hold hands with someone you love
59.) Drink herbal teas
60.) Share your life story- it's yours and ALL of it is important
61.) Trust and believe in yourself
62.) Pause and breathe before you react
63.) Stretch
64.) Get plenty of vitamin D3
65.) Be aware of chemicals in products that you use on your skin
66.) Don't smoke...at all.
67.) Pray or connect with your higher power
68.) Garden- get your hands dirty
69.) Do a hobby you enjoy
70.) Volunteer
71.) Clean out clutter in your home/office
72.) Say NO (without apology) to anything that depletes your energy
72.) Compliment and praise others
73.) Create a sacred space in your home where you can feel peaceful
74.) Find an exercise you enjoy and do it at least 3 times a week
75.) Connect with your Soul's energy by doing what you LOVE
76.) Listen to your intuition--your inner voice
76.) Practice acts of self-love EVERY day
77.) Take 100% responsibility for everything in your life- don't blame people or circumstances
78.) Love yourself MORE than the desire to argue
79.) Be honest- be authentic at all times
80.) Trust you are ALWAYS on the path for your highest good
81.) Embrace your uniqueness
82.) Be gentle and patient with yourself
84.) Avoid gossip and drama
85.) Walk through your fears, one step at a time
86.) Love yourself 'through' whatever is happening in your life instead of resisting it
87.) Surround yourself with uplifting, positive people
88.) Slow down, breathe, pay attention- don't rush through your life!
89.) Empower yourself by doing activities that build your confidence & self-esteem
90.) Visualize your dream life, perfect health and anything else you desire
91.) Set positive intentions for your day
92.) Send love to someone you are having difficulty with in your life
93.) Ask for forgiveness
94.) Be mindful of the words you use to describe yourself and your life
95.) Bring fresh flowers into your home
96.) Jump up and down for five minutes
97.) Practice Yoga (or something similiar) to connect your mind and body
98.) Practice Color Therapy- looking at specific colors can raise your vibration!
99.) Let go of guilt and shame- negatively impacts our energy fields the most
100.) Know that life is happening FOR you, WITH YOU, not against you!

#shamanicmountainhealing #shamandancer #energyhealing #shamanism #reiki #youareyourvibration #loveheals #laughterheals #play #nature #eathealthy #thinkpositive #beYOU #loveheals

Spirit Story from, "Thank you, Darkness. Thank you, Light."

"Mom, what are we doing? I mean, what the FUCK are we doing here? Working for...what? With the world this fucked up? What is the point of life?" Asked Andy.

"I don't know why we are here. Maybe it's to learn how to love. How to love ourselves. How to love and serve others better. Maybe it's for our Soul's growth. Maybe it's to work out our karma. Andy..." I rambled on, white knuckling my own intense emotions as I witnessed my son's struggle.

He looked tortured.

Like a wounded animal.

"Mom, will I EVER feel better? Happy again? What the FUCK is wrong with me?" Andy begs me to give him some sort of solace. Relief from the shitty feelings he can't get away from--because they are part of him. The part that is desperate for love and healing.

The room was silent as my husband and I looked at one another in response to Andy's questions.

"We are here to make the world a better place." Dad says. Andy stops and listens. He trusts Dad.

"Andy, just hold on. This is temporary. I promise you will feel better. The sun will shine again. It will." Even as I say this, I realize my words must sound like complete bullshit.

I took a big breath and say, "I'm not going to try and tell you what to do to make it go away. I think we should just sit in it for awhile. Together. Dad and I are here. There are people that love you, Andy." I say as tears flood my eyes.

Andy puked again. "I feel like I'm dying."

I felt like I was going to puke.

On paper, life looks wonderful for my son. It's like a check list of accomplishments. Being on the honor roll. Check. Finding his passion to become a Police Officer. Check. Getting engaged to the love of his life. Check.

Bullying didn't break him. 

Not having a Dad until he was 10 yrs. old didn't break him.

Anxiety and depression didn't break him in the past.

Drugs and alcohol didn't break him. 

Or did they?

All I knew was that "it" was back again. One year later. 

The black mass. 

Andy continues,"WHY??? I have everything I have ever wanted. EVERYTHING! An amazing family, fiance, school...I'm sober! What was all of it for if I'm going to feel like shit again? And, again? And, again?"

My chest constricted as I listened to my 20 year old ask questions that I knew I couldn't answer. This was HIS journey. His feelings just ARE what they ARE.

It wasn't up to me to decide what they meant.

It wasn't up to me to try and 'teach' him something I learned that helped me in the past.

This was about me being there for him in all his terrifying confusion and NOT knowingness in the moment.

Not letting someone feel their shit makes things worse. This I know.

If I have learned anything, it is not to run from what we are feeling. Not to try to 'get away' from the feelings or put on a 'happy' face.

I knew this from my own battle with depression.

In order to heal, we have to FEEL what we don't always want to feel.

In fact, learning to accept whatever comes up speeds up the healing process. Embracing the yucky, crappy feelings of fear, rage, remorse, guilt, sadness, etc. is vital.

My son's feelings needed to be felt. Heard. Validated.

Not analyzed.

And, he needed to figure things out for himself...in his own time.

Andy has an incredible therapist, doctor and family that would lay down and die just to prevent him from feeling this agony ever again. 

The hardest part for a parent, though, is that you can't make it all better for your child like you did when they were babies. You can't wipe their nose and rock them to sleep after a fit of tears. You can't tickle them until they smile that toothless smile.

You can't make the boogie man go away because it is not in his room, it's in his head.

There is no guidebook for what to do when your child unexpectedly dives into a black hole.

There is no one tool that can fix your child when she/he goes 'there' in his mind. 

That place that we don't like to talk about. That place that comes with judgement, diagnosis's and labels.

I couldn't make THIS better. And, it sucked.

All we could do for my son was sit next to him. We didn't speak much other than to comment on something his cat was doing. We were just present for him in those brutal hours/days.  Occasionally, I rubbed his back...if he let me.

Yes, there are meds, therapeutic techniques, etc., but sometimes, you just have to BE with it.

Whatever 'it' is.

And, he was with 'it'. 

I was with 'it'. 

My husband was with 'it'. His sister was 'it'. His fiance was with 'it'.

Thing is, my son's pain always triggers my own pain. 

When I was 20, I WAS Andy. 

I felt the sadness of the entire world balled up in my chest. Being an Empath, I was hyper-sensitive to the cruelness of some people and disturbing events going on in the Universe.

So is Andy.

I wasn't ready to experience the gift of life and believe in the goodness in people...yet.

I felt misunderstood, alone and chose the darkness. I could get lost there for days, months...even years. It was a familiar mixture of being numb and out of my body at the same time. 

I was in and out of an extremely abusive relationship when I was Andy's age. 

I was exhausted, too. 

Tired in my bones. Tired of the cycles. Tired of trying so hard.

Like Andy.

I questioned the 'why' of it all, too.

Like Andy. 

One day I walked into my parent's kitchen and simply told them, "I don't want to live." 

I was done. Done with it all.

My parents were devastated. 

I, too, had it ALL. A loving family, unconditional support, the ability to become whatever I wanted to be in this life.

By the ripe old age of 20, I had lost all hope. I couldn't see the point of it all...just like Andy.

I was sent to a psych ward for two weeks. My Mom made the gut-wrenching decision to keep me 'safe' during a very dangerous time. And, she was right. I needed protection from myself. 

I had already over-dosed.

Twice.

I remember the Staff watched me shower so I wouldn't slit my wrists with my pink shaver.

They confiscated the poinsettia plant that was delivered to me during my "stay".

They thought I would eat it. 

I was ashamed. Embarrassed. Guilty for all the pain I was causing my parents. 

I felt fucking nuts. Bat-shit crazy.

Yep, maybe my abusive boyfriend was right. I was just a crazy whore. 

Today, I realize that what I was....was broken. 

Broken from a world I never fit in. 

I had lost a career in dance due to injury.

I had lost my virginity in the backseat of a Chevy at 15 to a boy that beat me hours later for being a 'slut'.

And, a bitch.

Even though I gave myself to my first love and steady boyfriend.

I was broken from sexual molestation as a child. 

I was broken from my rape in college. 

I was all set with my short life. Ready to throw the towel in at before my 21st birthday. 

Just like my son. 

But, he was NOT me.

He was floating in a world of pain, but was doing everything he could to not leave this life. He had no interest in leaving. He just wanted to feel better. He held on, when I gave up. 

I was supposed to fall completely apart so I could put myself back together again. It was my path. 

His path was HIS. 

I had to break wide open in order to survive. 

He had to survive in order not to break. 

My son has a strength that I didn't know at his age. He is astounding in ALL ways. His resilience inspires me.

We both handle our depression in different ways. Each way is unique and not "wrong". 

Each way IS the path we are supposed to be on. Call it our destiny, calling, etc. 

We were chosen to feel deep pain, so that we could one day help others with their pain.

My son began feeling better after a few weeks. Just as I did when I walked out of the psych ward 24 years ago.

Boy, those were some rough days. Rough thoughts. Rough moments. Luckily, they were temporary.

My son is stronger for this last bout of depression. It lead him to began EMDR therapy with his Mindfulness Psychotherapist. It is changing the entire course of his life in a positive way.

If not for the darkness, perhaps my son would not be the best Cop in the world like I know he will be one day.

Perhaps, my son wouldn't be able to sympathize with the wounded in a way he can now if he had not experienced such suffering himself.

Perhaps, I wouldn't have met a Shaman and become a Shamanic Reiki energy healer today.

Perhaps, I wouldn't have created Sarah's Safe Houses if I hadn't experienced domestic violence.

So, we are THANKFUL for the darkness.

And, here we both are. Still here in this life, my son and I. 

So, what IS it all for?

I believe we have an opportunity to find our Way in life. To discover how to heal ourselves so we can grow as Spirits and help heal others.

To learn how to turn our pain into power, and our power into passions. 

Maybe, being in the darkness is where our power really lies. 

Thank you, darkness. Thank you, light.